I've recently lost two very important people in my life; one I've already written about, the other a dear friend who I had only recently met. Those personal losses were added to by two losses related to the business; a business plan competition and an award. Then, to top it off, my husband and I had to give away Feisty, one of our precious dogs, as she didn't get along with our daughter Zola. Each of these losses has been tough in its own way.
After I lost Karen, my dear friend and mentor, it's been a struggle to find my way through life, which at times seems very foreign to me. And the other lost friend, Marie, was like a second mother, and losing her has opened my eyes to what I will feel when my mom does leave me in this place.
After spending so much time and effort preparing my entries for the business competition and award, then losing both has made me begin to question my own self-worth and business purpose. Finally, having to give away my precious girl Feisty, gave a sliver of insight into what it might be like to give up a child.
All this loss and grief has taught me so much that I cannot write it all down, but I will try. I cannot attribute a specific loss with a lesson I have learned, but just know that all of my losses have taught me all of these things:
- I will be forgotten. I know this sounds very harsh, but the reality is this: my being will be forgotten. I won't matter anymore. However, the work that helps and grows others - that will live on. So, what matters is not the number of people touched, but rather, the depth of that touch.
- There is no ground beneath me. I understand that the act of trying to land somewhere can only bring me more suffering. If I can just learn to let go and let it be what it is in the moment, I can reduce my suffering. There is nothing to hold me up and no act can reduce my pain. I must experience the pain and loss to truly be at peace.
- Take time to grieve. It is far too easy to escape pain and loss and dive into a fantasy world. But, to truly get past grief, you must let it overwhelm you. Which means I needed to cry, scream, laugh, and cry again. All the emotions, at whatever time they appeared, they needed to be felt.
- Reach out and talk. I've found my own therapy has helped me cope and accept the emotions, but I also have found talking to others, expressing myself and my thoughts has helped me immensely. And, the outpouring of love and compassion from all my friends and family has been truly remarkable. I've been humbled, truly.
- Eastern Philosophies are important. I was raised by Hindu parents who implanted a lot of cultural beliefs; but one thing they instilled in me was much of what is found in the Bhagavad Gita. As a teenager, I cut my teeth learning from Swami Kalkananda, who often asked more questions than he answered. These philosophies are deep and wide and help tremendously.
- You own nothing. This has been a hard lesson to learn as with much, we grasp to attain things, possessions, even people. What has smacked me across the face in this time of great loss is that I own absolutely nothing. Not my identity, not my body, nothing. I am given stewardship of much, but I cannot really own anything.
There is much more I have learned, but, unfortunately, I am unable to put all these lessons into words. I have great respect for those who have shared ancient teachings, as I can see, words can be challenging. Sometimes, there are no words, only a look or a feeling.
I hope to get back to more discussions about Database Sherpa in the near future. It might take me some time, so I ask that you be patient and keep watching. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts and learnings with you. You all humble me greatly.